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One Solution To Sexual Boredom In Long-Term Relationships

According to researchers, women have a much harder time than men maintaining their sex-drive in long-term monogamous relationships. Women seemingly suffer more than men from habituation to a stimulus, meaning they are more easily bored than men with having sex with the same person over and over again. Two German longitudinal studies show that female desire drops dramatically over 90 months, while men’s holds relatively steady. However, women who didn’t live with their partners did not experience the same drop.   Sex with familiarity is apparently harder for women than men. Although Freud did document the Madonna-Whore complex where men struggle to...

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Angus Wants A Gray Hall Pass

What have I got myself into? Now Angus is going to be googling gray hall passes! All I wanted to say is that sexual boredom is not going to be solved by looking for more external stimulus. That is a never-ending quest. The sustainable solution is understanding that boredom, including sexual boredom, is a state of mind. Boredom reflects how sped up the individual's mind is rather than being caused by being in a long-term relationship. I know for myself there was a period of time where it got harder for me to drop out of my busy thinking before...

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Keeping Sexual Attraction Alive in Long-Term Relationships

**warning adult language used**   One of the biggest challenges to relationships is each person’s relationship with their anxiety. Even if you don’t suffer from an anxiety disorder, everyone has the experience of anxiety in their lives. What happens in relationships is that it is easy to blame the other person for your anxiety and/or want your partner to fix your anxiety. The foundation for many relationships is being able to ease each other’s anxiety. You become each other’s security blanket when you aren’t driving each other crazy.   When this happens sexual attraction goes out the window.   People blame all kinds of factors for...

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The Perils of Taming Your Partner

Angus and I learned the hard way about the perils of trying to tame each other. I see now how out of my insecurity I tried to change Angus to try and make him fit my preferences so I was more comfortable.   It was a complete game changer when I recognized that he can never be responsible for my emotional experience and that I can be okay with all of my feelings. So freeing to see that I did not need him to be different for me to feel okay.   Understanding that my emotional experience is a reflection of my inner state...

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Rewilding Your Relationship Vlog

It is such a relief to see that relationships work best when we are ourselves. Allowing ourselves to be in our natural state takes the pressure off. Having the freedom to be real and raw brings out the best in ourselves and our partner. What gets us into trouble is when we get scared and try to tame our ourselves and/or our partner to try and make the fear go away.   Angus tried to tame my tears in the past. He would get scared by the intensity of my feelings and try to snap me out of them. This was never...

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Sexual Frustration is in the Mind

Sexual Frustration is in the Mind. This is our contribution to International Women’s Day. Sexual frustration is made up.   In the past, Angus and I would have a lot of conflict over the frequency of sex. He would take personally if I had a low sex drive. I would take it personally that he would take it personally and goodwill would plummet in our relationship. And along with it my desire for sex would decrease even further and Angus' frustration would intensify. It began to look like a real problem between us as our resentment grew.   What we both see now is...

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He Said, She Said: Sex and Connection

Is it Shrek? Is it a giant and a pygmy in a shed, or is it Angus and Rohini in their sauna talking about what used to get in the way of sex? Or how even now they may have to navigate different levels of desire. As Angus says, it is all about connection. There is more than one way to get there, but that is what we both want.   And, I do know that Angus did not cause my resentment. I was just taking his behavior personally rather than being able to understand and have compassion for his suffering. If...

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Sex and Marriage: Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage?

Recently my husband Angus and I did our Friday Vlog about sex. He was reticent to talk about our experience in this area, but I managed to convince him to do it since this is a subject that is challenging for many couples, especially couples in long-term relationships no matter what their sexual orientation. Sex often comes up as an issue for our clients even if it has nothing to do with the coaching they signed up for.   For us, it is an area of great learning. I can see now how the quality and richness of our sex life is a litmus...

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